Marina passed away in the middle of September. It was Sunday. It was raining. She stayed at a tram stop. Perhaps we will never get to know, how it happened. She remained in coma about a day and a night. To speak to doctors was the same as to run my head against a wall - they must have been studying deontology too hard in their time.

Marina’s mother called from hospital on Monday at 6 p.m. and said that Marina was no more with us. Ilya and me were dealing with his homework; he was sitting at the table at that time. Maybe I was ready for this…

My first thought was about our son:
- You have to live without your mother, my sprog. But you haven’t yet learned it.

I said nothing to Ilya. I couldn’t but keep a still tongue in my head. Let his mother be with him some more time, I decided. Marina’s kinsfolk phoned from Bykovnya and asked us to come. We took a cage with our parrot and carried it to our neighbors - I did not know when we would be back home. Ilya took his pencils with him and was drawing the whole evening and chattering joyfully.

Only the next day Marina’s mother told the truth to Ilya. He was disconsolately crying for a long time. Then he calmed down. Then his godfather and we were walking at the forest. It was raining. We were kicking pine-trees, and the fall of raindrops was coming down upon us. Ilya was laughing loudly.

We waked up on Wednesday, and I said to Ilya:
- Kiddy, the day will be hard for us.
- Why? Will we bury my mother?
- Yes.
 

Neither Ilya nor me was crying during the burial.

Burials and weddings are some kind of show, though they are so intimate in fact. I said last farewell to Marina in a morgue. We were two together, and nobody disturbed us. I was simply sitting beside her for a couple of minutes, asking again and again:
- Why?
But nobody answered me. 

Next day one of Ilya’s teeth ached, and we went to a dental surgery. Doctors said that the tooth must be extracted. We agreed. After we had gone out of  there Ilya asked :
- Do you think Mummy would be proud of me? I wasn’t afraid of extraction! You saw it, didn’t you?
- Of course she would, Kiddy.

Ilya didn’t go to school till the end of the week. We came home in the evening on Sunday. At first everything was OK. But then he entered his room, looked at his toys, sat on his bed and began crying. I embraced him and clasped to my bosom. So we were sobbing together, with arms round each other.

Ilya didn’t get accustomed to think that he didn’t have his mother any more. Once we were backing home from Bykovnya, and he looked at our windows and asked:
- How do you think, is Mummy at home?
He was keeping silence for a while and said:
- Oh, I’ve forgotten…

Once he needed something and asked me:
- Could you parents buy me the thing?
Then he corrected himself and said again:
- Dad, could you buy me the thing?

In a few weeks after the burial Ilya asked me:
- Dad, would you marry again?
- What for?
- I‘d wish to have got somebody my own, like Mommy was.

The year 2000 was too hard. Marina fell in love with a guy and was going to to marry him. Ilya must have felt something at the very beginning. He clasped and kissed me when I left home and came back. It has never happened before. Perhaps, he felt sorry for me, such a good soul. Once he sad:
- Don’t worry, Dad. When you go away, I will go with you. 

In spring he was in a sanatorium in Vorsel. There they had an excursion to a tree that one may think of a wish near it. My boy told me secretly that he had wished we were together. And one night at the end of the summer we saw a falling star, and he thought of the same wish.

A year after Marina’s death passed quickly. When Ilya pronounces the word “Mommy” (“Mommy told me…”, “Mommy  taught me…”, “Mommy  bought me…”), my heart squeezes. But he seems to be calm, and his voice does not waver, not a bit. Simply you don’t know what the death is, my Kiddy. Maybe it is for the better…

But you had time to understand the main thing while Mommy was near. When Granny said you did not have your mother any more and you began crying, you  murmured:
- Nobody kisses like mother does.
Yes, you had time to understand the main thing…

How I have survived this?... Must be those eyes saved me. Every time I came back home I saw azure eyes of that innocent angel. And I realized again and again- we need each other very much.
 
 

Now, when  I leave home, you often say:
-Dad, please, be careful on the road.
Do you afraid to remain by  yourself, Kiddy?  I catch myself at this thought, too. No, no, no… And now what – can’t I, don’t I have any right to die? But Dunkan MacLaud –he’s only at the film…
 
 

He never again says  “Mommy” in his sleep. He dreamt about his mother only once. He was going from school, and she stood near the road.
- She looked like Mommy and was dressed like her, but I know she isn’t living any longer. So I did not approach her…
That was the way he told me about his dream.

He told me a story about one of his first soft toys. It was a funny puppy. He named it Tube. Once he was moving with Marina from his kindergarten and made a row. So he wept the toy out. And then he put Tube to Marina’s coffin.

Who will nickname you now, tyke? Mommy called him Ilya – Ilia, Ilyin – Vanillin, Honey – Funny. Though you have already grown so much! You are ten, after all.

Maybe it was me who overlooked the situation? Last months of her life, when our separation became inevitable, I used to come home and say:
- It’s great, when you have got your own flat and your Mommy and Dad living there.

In our flat some corners are scratched. Marina was strict to him sometimes. So, being punished Ilya would often stand in a corner and pick a wall to avoid boredom. Marina’s toothbrush is still in our bathroom. And our photos are in Cyberspace. (http://ababich.narod.ru)
 

Sometimes in the evening, when you are in bed already, I sit besides and we are dreaming. Dreaming about something that will happen to us or will never happen. What will come to us?..